Transcript: The Satan Call

0:00 To ensure that Dan goes straight to hell when he dies, he finds it necessary to put down Jesus as much as he can. Hi everybody, I'm Lance Mamwell, and yet we're linked to the best of Dan and Scotcho. And this next bit, Danny pretends he's Satan, and I can even do that voice because I've been in front of his little machine. Hi, I am Satan.

0:31 Ha ha ha ha. Anyway, Dan and Manda call up this one religious TV station, and they just start screwing with this poor lady who's God-fearing and knows how she's going to heaven when she dies. Dan is going to hell. Manda, you could go to hell if you're wasted. I have never liked you because you treat me like I'm stupid.

0:54 You say I'm pompous, may of all people pompous. That's like my sack, Manda. I shouldn't even, I'm not even going to play this bit because it's featured in you. I got to? All right, I'm playing this bit. Whatever Manda's talking in her whitey voice, just don't listen to it.

1:12 I'm Lance Manlow, and this is the best of the Dan and Scotcho.

1:23 Hey Leanne, praise the Lord and I help you.

1:36 Hi, how are you doing? I'm fine, thank you. Listen, I need to make a donation. Okay. Okay, do you know who you're talking to? Pardon me?

1:50 What is your name? I'm Rose Marie. Rose Marie. I used to watch the Dick Van Dyke show and there was a girl I married named Rose Marie. Do you remember her? Yes, yeah, vaguely.

2:02 What's your favorite Dick Van Dyke episode? Oh gosh, I don't remember, to be honest. No. How many people are working there tonight? Oh, I don't know, not that many. Why?

2:20 I'm just writing a book. I'm kidding. So listen, if I'm going to give a donation, how much should I give? Whatever the Lord leads you to give, the Lord, if you give to the Lord, he will bless you and give you the right attitude, otherwise you're wasting your money. If you don't give with the right heart, don't give at all.

2:47 Now you know what? Tell me right now, I'm going to give a lot. I just want you to tell me how great the Lord is. How has the Lord changed your life? Well, the city has changed my life from this to that. The Lord is my daughter.

3:05 The Lord's a real bastard. Hey, what are you doing? Listen to this psycho babble. Satan, please lower those flames in the studio. And I never heard that you can accept the Lord Jesus Christ in your heart. He's a very great, too great.

3:22 Even so, you know, I went to church all my life. You know, I can't change. The Lord has felt like a burden. He keeps going to church all the time. He was about to cry. I had a joy of the Lord, and I was able to deal with a situation which was a very difficult one.

3:40 What phone number did I just call? What is the name of the business? It's just an eternity broadcasting network. Wait, and who's the big guy on TV? Who's the president of TV? Yeah, who's always on TV?

3:57 Well, Paul Crouch and Jan, the founders. Paul Crouch and Jan? Uh-huh. Paul and Jan Crouch. Paul and Jan Crouch. Crouch. Just like a couch, only with an R in it. Crouch.

4:10 Like a couch, except there is an R. Exactly. King and John Mount. Okay. Okay. Okay, I keep talking about Jesus for a second.

4:21 Oh, okay, well, you know, I know he is... He is my son, you know. Oh, Satan, what are you doing? Satan is your son, you have eternal life. That's most important. What are you doing?

4:36 You know, that when you die, I'm a registered nurse, and I see people die of a critical care. I see people die all the time. Can I talk to Paul and Jane Cock right now? Oh, no, they're not here. Where are they?

4:47 Oh, heavens, I don't know. Paul is all over the world, and Jan is doing some... Some guy? Pardon me? You don't know where they are? No, but he's got like 350 stations.

5:00 Right. He travels all over the world, and Jan is doing a production for Christmas. How much coin? What do they pull down? Pardon me?

5:09 How much money do they pull down every year? I have no idea, sir. Thank you, guest. What kind of time does Paul God drive? Paul and Jan Kraus. Yeah, I wouldn't have to faint, just idea.

5:19 Have you ever met him? Oh, yes, of course. But I mean, I'm not interested in... I'm interested because my son died 10 years ago, and this is what the Lord told me to come, so I have made a commitment to the Lord,

5:34 and I come here... Yeah. ...because I want to serve the Lord. I don't serve mankind. I don't serve Paul Kraus, Jan Kraus, or anybody. I serve the Lord.

5:43 Yeah. And this is where he called me to come to. Hold on a second. Hold on one second. Sure. What?

5:51 Hello? We are going to hell for that. Oh, wait. No, hold. Should I keep going? What the hell?

5:58 All right. Hold on a second. You can watch him in. Okay. Yeah, I'm back. Pardon me?

6:04 Yeah, I'm back now. I would just like give him to another... Uh-huh. Yeah. So, you know, what I do is not for men. You know, if I give, I can tell you this much, sir,

6:14 that when I got saved calling a prayer partner just like I'm talking to you... Right. ...in 1978 is, you know, the prayer partner prayed with me, and I asked the Lord into my heart. Did you ever see the... Oh, pardon me.

6:29 Did you ever see the exorcist? I did when I first came to this country, and I wouldn't recommend it for anybody. It's a bad movie because, you know, it portrays, you know... Yeah, of course, I wasn't a Christian. It was a movie like that.

6:45 They love fucking with people. I'm devil. I wouldn't advise for anybody to go see it. Yeah. So, that's a scary shit. There's no doubt about that.

6:56 Yeah, well, you know, I also believe, you know, that people that think of that are probably demonically influenced. Yeah. There's probably no doubt about that. So, a lot of people would be right, you know. I wouldn't advise for anybody to go see it.

7:14 Young children see it, you know? No, that's a... Uh, okay, if you don't know John Tyce works as a phone number, do you have a Tammy Faye's number? Ooh, Tammy Faye? No, they're not associated with our organization.

7:31 That's an entire different organization. I think that one folded like a long time ago. Hmm. I think it... I don't know, it was... I don't even know what it was called, but it's no...

7:42 I don't know. Hey, what country are you from? I'm from there. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Listen to her, she keeps going. Oh, hold on, I gotta go back.

7:50 Yeah. Mm-hmm. You wanna talk? Hey, can you talk to my sister for a little bit? If you like me too. We're here to pray.

7:59 We're really not here to talk. I know, but she is... she is part of a cult right now, and I'm trying to get her out. She's sacrificing animals every freaking day. Uh-huh.

8:10 Honey. Peggy. Yeah. Talk to this lady. Get out of your cult. Well, I'm just killing dogs.

8:19 She's killing dogs. Now, what should we do about that? Well, you need to... Oh, I love it. Oh, Jesus Christ, yourself. You're a daughter?

8:30 Or your... Who is that your daughter you're talking about? It is my sister. Oh, your sister. Well, you know, you need to know the Lord Jesus Christ first. Yeah, I know him.

8:42 And then you need to pray for her each and every day, plead the blood of Jesus over her, and you know... Why doesn't Satan seem a little bit cooler? And, you know, binding enemies. Yeah, doesn't Satan, like, if you just had to go, like, by what is cool

8:56 and what the kids like, wouldn't you say that Satan kicks, you know, butt? You know, I think the kids are curious. You know, they do it out of curiosity. Unfortunately, they don't know what they get themselves into. Wow, before me, I am Satan.

9:13 Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I can't see. I'm Satan for one day. He's a hard taskmaster. Yeah. You know, he hates mankind.

9:25 Who does Satan? Of course. He hates, you know, he wants to get at God, and the only way to get at God is through his creation, and mankind, and he will destroy you. If the kids think that, you know,

9:36 he has them a sympathy for them. Baby, are you daring them? I hear it, but I'm not buying it. No, why aren't you buying it? I don't want my sister to go to hell over with the document.

9:48 No, but, sir, you cannot force anybody. No. And you can pray for her, because this is a battle that's one spiritually. The Lord Jesus Christ died for his sister. Do you ever do Satan?

9:59 Satan was an angel of God. I know, but I'm saying, when you were a kid, you ever do, like, the rituals or whatever? No, but I played V.J. board once, and when I accepted the Lord Jesus Christ, the prayer part, you know, by the Holy Spirit

10:20 asked me that question. What does that mean, you're going to hell too? No. Don't you ever say something like that, Peggy. No, that's okay. She can ask. I don't mind, sir.

10:31 I have a question for you. No. You say that Jesus died for our sins. Right, but you have to make him Lord of your life. One, you have to believe. Okay, but hold on.

10:42 I don't think he died for our sins, because I wasn't around. You know what I mean? He came once for all mankind, doesn't he? Yeah, but hey, just because I'm late for the party, I got to pay for that?

10:56 No, you don't have to pay. That's the reason why he came to this earth, to, you know, pay the price of his life. He can't answer it. He can't live before or after. Why?

11:07 Now for Satan. He can't live after his death. Then, you know, live according to his word. That means reading the Bible and, you know, praying and, and, no, that's why he came. Peggy, are you torturing a dog right now?

11:25 I was a couple minutes ago. Please, talk some sense into her. Well, all I can say is... I'm going to play it so you can scream. Like a dog wanted to hear it. No, no, Peggy.

11:38 No, Peggy. No, Peggy. That you don't want to hear. No, he won't get me. No, he won't get you. Not if you ask the Lord Jesus Christ to come in your heart

11:46 because he's the Creator. He created Satan. Who do you think is greater? The Creator or the created being? Uh... Yeah.

11:55 And I'd rather... You want me to do cancer. Satan? You know, I rather serve the Lord of Lords and King of Kings because he's the victor. He already paid the price.

12:07 Peggy, what are you doing in the background? Nothing, nothing. What? There's nothing. All right. I think her soul is gone.

12:16 She's going to hell and there's nothing we can do about it. That's not right. There's luck she can do, but she has to do it herself. Nobody can force her. She has to... If she ever gets in,

12:28 she might come in a situation where... Okay, but you know what? Between life and death, all she has to do is one, call on the Lord, even if she doesn't believe him.

12:38 All she has to say is, you know Lord Jesus, I heard about you. I know I'm not sure you're real. But I like the way you look. Okay, hold on. Both of you, you know what?

12:47 I have to put both of you on hold just for one second. I will be right back. Please, please stay on hold, okay? Okay, hey, Manda. All right, listen. You've got to say that you killed a man.

12:59 Okay? Okay. Hold on a second. Why? Because I don't know why. Hold on.

13:05 I'm going somewhere with this. Shut up now. Yeah, hey, I'm back. Are you still here? Yeah, I'm still there, but... Okay, here is my problem right now.

13:13 I don't think my baby sister Peggy's soul can be saved. No, that's very wrong, sir. Then what you're saying is that the Lord Jesus Christ and his death and it's not good and safe for that... I happen to be familiar with the rat bastard. I talk to Jesus every freaking day.

13:30 He's a mess word and has done so. If they call on him, they truly, you know, they can. But I can't. Jesus died because he whistled at me. She killed a man. She's going to hell.

13:43 There's no way we can stop her. And I was laughing through the whole thing. That's not true either, you know. There is no... Or it's true. If you open your Bible and it says right there,

13:55 there's no sense in life. Can you open the Bible? It burns me. No, nothing. It does. It's not a good.

14:04 Okay. Well, you know, kids look for sensation. Quite frankly, I would believe about half of what he says. Right. And I think, you know, kids looking for attention even in the wrong places.

14:17 That's why they get involved with this stuff. I have a teenage daughter myself. What is this for? For me. Well, she's just a teenage girl. Yeah.

14:27 But, you know... Is that yourself? Yeah. I have not just any idea. And besides that, I don't care. I pray for my daughter each and every day.

14:36 And then she grew up... Okay. Well, that's actually a good question because I've caught my baby sister Peggy many times playing with herself. And I think that's the work of the devil.

14:48 Well, sir, I don't know about that either. You know... Bull. A lot of things, you know, we credit to the devil. That's the wrong part of that.

15:03 What is your problem? I don't know. No. Now, the reason you're going to hell if and when you do is you reject the Lord Jesus Christ.

15:15 You know, if you want to serve Satan, the Lord doesn't force himself on anybody. He's a God of love. Awesome. He's not like that at all. A loving God.

15:24 That is so pushing. I can't take it. If you think that, you know, serving Satan... You know what? You know what?

15:31 When I did that with the cross, I made this really funny noise. Can you tell me what you sound like when you have an orgasm? So I know that's normal. I don't really care what you do.

15:41 I just want to make sure I'm normal. Peggy. No, I'm getting scared. You probably understand the magical part. Cold Peggy.

15:48 So, you know, we need to get out of that. There's one way. And that's the Lord Jesus Christ. Peggy. You know, you accept?

15:55 That is enough. Peggy. I am going to deal with you in my own way. I'm going to hurt you. Oh, no.

16:01 Don't hurt me. That is all. Go to your room. No. I'm going up in one second. I'm sorry.

16:07 Goodbye. I am so sorry about that. Listen, I certainly don't think Jean and Paul, crotch are, I think they have a good thing going

16:15 and I'm going to write them out a check for a million dollars. Mr. Don't do it, you know, for the wrong reasons. You're wasting your money unless you know the Lord himself.

16:26 No. And, you know, you truly want it to further his kingdom. Don't get it, honestly. Really? No.

16:34 How about ten bucks? No, nothing. Unless, you know... Okay. Okay. I've got other things

16:40 to spend my money on. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

16:46 Yeah. Yeah.

16:48 We'll see you when. No. Say ten. That is the most wicked thing that has ever happened on our show. Yeah.

16:59 Why do you bring your evil to our show? I don't know. Amanda, she's a good girl. She's a good girl. She's one of my favorite girls. You like Amanda?

17:12 Yeah. I love Amanda. Yes, I do. Okay, listen. I've got a fly. I'll tell you what.

17:18 We'll let 40 of the people there in Nebraska survive from their strokes. I'm Satan. You're in a better mood now. I'm Satan.

17:28 Does anyone have any questions for me? Guys, that was the scariest fucking thing. We're all going to hell. You realize that? Yeah. Yeah.

17:37 Yeah. Yeah.

17:39 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

17:45 Yeah. Yeah.